Anxiety manifests in different forms for everybody. Sure, some of the symptoms may seem universal (shaking hands, increased heart rate, shortness of breath), but others may differ. I always knew that I identified “feeling nervous” with a dry mouth and a heart beating like I just ran a race, with sweaty palms feeling like I just took three shots of espresso like vodka. However, I’m recently noticing other expression of my nervous mindset, helping me create a fully-fledged idea of my anxiety’s phenotype (hello, AP Biology!).
I realized that I don’t want to sit still, I don’t like not having things to plan for and prepare for. Mentally, the coming week looks like an empty blur of time to fill, and I’m learning that this emptiness scares me. I like knowing how to prepare my time, what to expect from my week and what to look forward to. Having just returned from a week-long road trip packed with activities, sitting still is bringing my nerves to a boil. A week from tomorrow, I start a new job at the Boston Globe and I know that I’ll be busy beyond belief (which brings me some relief); but due to my sitting still and lack of plans, I’ve been doing some introspection to figure out exactly why I am so nervous. Here’s a condensed list.
- beginning a new job in a new field with new people
- feeling under-qualified for said job even though they hired me
- housing in the fall
- losing friends i used to talk to
- having few friends at home
- filling my free time with Bumble dates (frequently unrewarding)
- maintaining independence while living at home
- residual anger over a break-up that became worse after the relationship ended
In lieu of all of this, I’ve taken matters into my own hands. I’ve registered for a yoga class after my work hours, I’ve reached out to friends, and I’ve stopped worrying about what men think of me and how they treat me. I’m also learning how to sit still, and how to be quiet and content without rushing off to the next thing. Hopefully it works!
I figured out that I need an outlet, and therefore this blog should be a bit more active this year! Aka I’ll try to post every week or so
Things I’ve Experienced In My First Two Days Back At School:
- Drove to school in a blizzard due to stubborn New England-ness
- Tried a face mask that was not as refreshing as it said it would be
- Met my new Dutch roommate who is very cute and very sweet
- My boyfriend told me he’s always going to love me in some way or another
- Perfected an eyeshadow look
- Ran through snow like an idiot but it was wonderful
- Started classes and immediately pegged the douchebag in my Spanish class only to be proven right when he busted out a Thomas Jefferson quote for no reason
- Saw my ex-boyfriend for the first time since last April
- Got excited about my new tattoo
- Gave no shits about my appearance and felt remarkably free and sexy
- Remembered I have friends in my classes and that I am smart
Resolutions I May Or May Not Adhere To But Wow Will I Try My Best To Make 2017 Better:
- Exercise at most 4 but at least 2 times a week
- Be kinder to myself and others
- Cut out negativity
- Travel, whether abroad or just to another state
- Make new friends
- Get all As but allow myself one B
- Find a therapist just to talk
- Learn to enjoy whiskey
Happy 2017, may it not be as shitty a year as we just emerged from.
– wise words one of my guests just told me. she says that He-Who-I-Refuse-To-Name is what the GOP gets for giving Obama shit for 8 years. she says the Republican Party can’t complain for what they’re giving the country because they deserve it. she says we’re going to be okay.
“You might feel lost right now. There is always a map. There is always a way.”
via The Morning After — Discover
i’m shocked and then i’m not. how did the most qualified presidential candidate we’ve ever had lose to the least qualified? oh yeah- our most qualified presidential candidate happened to be a woman. people may disagree with me on the level of her actual qualifications but then again, people may disagree with me on many things. however, it is just a lie to say that Hillary Clinton was not more qualified than He-Who-I-Refuse-To-Name.
somehow with an immense come-from-behind victory, a racist/sexist/xenophobic/homophobic talking yam has become the leader!elect of the free world. i apologize for the nature of this post, which is more of a feelings vomit than it is anything legitimate. i am so lucky that i work in an environment dominated by women, because i don’t think i could face men today. the executive director of my shelter came in today and just said to the world at large, “i’m sorry that we live in a country where half of the population are fucking racists. we knew it was bad but we didn’t know it was this fucking bad.”
i work with women of color, trans women, lgbt+ women, elderly women, pregnant women, disabled women. we are all now at a disadvantage due to our gender, more than we already knew we were. women in the united states know that we are inferior (but we don’t always complain because at least we have more rights than women in other countries), and now this inferiority has been blasted on every television set, computer screen, and even the empire state building. the whole country (and the world) has seen that a walking shitshow can go up against a powerful qualified woman and win. imagine if hillary was a man- (s)he would have won in a landslide. our world is crazy and today is a sad day. but it is not the last day. we can stand up and do this. i am personally taking a couple of grieving days, emotional days where i watch too much netflix, and then i am going to see where we stand and what i can do.
Recently, I began working at a women’s shelter in Boston. It’s been less than 2 weeks but I’ve already learned something amazing, something that I thought this country was lacking. Although in a rough neighborhood, where drug overdoses are increasingly common and litter lines the streets, this is a place that is entirely about building each other up. Whether these interactions are physical (like feeding someone a meal, prescribing medicine, or helping someone down off a high) or mental (a question about one’s day or a domestic violence awareness seminar) this is where we women teach each other how to be strong. Just today, a normal Wednesday, I’ve seen a woman almost knock over an EMT to make sure she could ride in the ambulance with her friend. I’ve seen six women describe their ideal superpowers- every one of them wanted to be able to help people in some capacity. Another woman comes to our garden every time she’s here to make sure it’s surviving in its urban setting, selflessly using her time so the food pantry can remain plentiful. Finally, just now, a woman gave me advice on making sure I find myself in the literature I read, and encouraged me to keep writing which is what inspired me to make my first blog post ever.
Here, we don’t insult people, make fun of them, or hurt them. Instead, we show that we care, we provide conversation and resources. Even little gestures like a “Hello” and a smile when you see someone, an offer for a seat, a compliment on hair or an outfit, an extra 5 minutes on the computer, can improve someone’s day. Our country is in need of strong women, which is not a Hillary endorsement so much as it is the truth. Many of the women I see here are mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and sisters. They are raising their children and family to be as strong as they are, and we need them to do so. Anyone who calls women catty or bitchy needs to experience women as I have the past week and a half. We are empathetic, kind, and sensitive as well as hard and steadfast and proud. We protect each other, hold each other, reason with each other, and care for each other.